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The continuing saga… [the first part is HERE]
The mortuary was there within a hour. The poor guy that called had asked for my dad over the phone. I asked who it was and he literally realized his mistake and was horrified. They came into the house and we were not ready for them to take him. They asked if we had any questions and I laughed and said that we probably knew the process better than they did! They wore dark suits and I said that they looked like the bankers from Bank of America that came back in 1999 to call our note. They were big in poor fitting dark suits. They were not quite sure how to take our family I think. I told them that they should have a change of clothes in the van to fit the family. Either dark suits for the more serious ones or bright, hawaiian shirts for people like us. That was the time that they actually loosened up a bit. I can’t recall where I went that morning but I was not there when they removed his body. I think I am glad about that.The rest of Tuesday was a blur. I can’t really tell you what happened that day. I remember calling people, especially people that were planning on visiting him later that day or on Wednesday. Some of the calls were to his doctors. His oncologist was to come by and he had had an appointment on Wednesday. The doctor’s staff assistant was not available and I had to leave the message with the person answering the phones. She seemed a little uncaring for me and I let her know that he had had an appointment on Wednesday that they could open up and she said ‘That had already been cancelled’. Bitch. Between my outright despise for the hospice system and now this oncologists office I was livid. The next call was the Santa Fe oncologist which put me back into a happy place. The doctor was with a patient and the lady who answered the phone was as touched by Dad as everyone else was. The next few dozen phone calls went much easier. The hard ones were the people who had just seen him the days before.
I just remembered some more things about the weekend. He was okay with his death and wanted to be involved with the planning. On Monday I helped him pick some music for the service. He picked Frank Sinatra’s ‘My Way’. I remembered the parts about Doing It Myyyyyyyyy Waaaaaaaay but I had not listened to the words. OMG. How fitting (feel free to play while reading):
And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way
Regrets I’ve had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way
Yes there were times I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way
I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
I’ve had my fill, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way
For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way
Yes it was my way
He also picked a gospel song – ‘I’ll Fly Away’. We were talking about how much he liked acapella songs and I found a perfect one for him.
There was talk about our making a casket for dad at the factory. We called one of the owners to inquire about it – I had figured that there would be laws or regulations against that. Then I remembered that we live in New Mexico and that there are no rules. Dad was excited about it and I had asked him on Sunday to help design it. We made lots of jokes about putting in a speakeasy door or some glass. Things progressed too quickly for us to do anything. Mom picked out a really cool, simple pine casket. It looked great.
We picked a bunch of photos to show and with my Mom’s shutterbug syndrome – there was not a shortage to look through. By this point we all had become kind of not into talking to people about all the plans. I had decided that email was the best manner to get information out and then hope for the phone tree method of information dispersal. She was still making plans with the funeral home so I had to wait until Wednesday to get all the details. I went back to work on Wednesday, although I really didn’t know what day it was ANY day this past week. My brother had flown in from New Hampshire as well in the middle of this. We got back to my house late on Wednesday and about midnight I remembered that I had not made the flyer yet announcing his passing and what the plans were. I mailed all those out around 2 am on Thursday – the same day as the viewing. Better late than never.
Ends up we didn’t get the word out as well as we had hoped and there were quite a few holes. The obituary came out on Thursday morning too so a lot of people saw that. It’s kind of strange that people look in the obituaries. My grandfather used to say that he looked in the obituaries to make sure that his name wasn’t there! Funny man.
The viewing was later that night and as weird as it sounds, he looked great! The last few funerals we have been to the makeup artists didn’t quite capture the person. I don’t envy that job – you have to make a 3D version of someone based upon a 2D photo that someone gives you. In hindsight I had thought about our inviting the makeup person to the house to see dad before he died so that they would have a better idea. Didn’t need it. They nailed it! (no pun intended)
The viewing went well and our last brother and his family made it down too. The only strange thing – and I had never given it much thought – was how little interaction we had between my mom’s side and my dad’s side of the families. My cousin pointed it out to me and I tried to visually give her a map to understand the relations and only then realized how we never really had done that before. This was not the time to try.
Although I have had some teary times this past week, after the viewing I set in my car and cried. The only was… I sounded like a Wookie! It made me laugh that that sound came from me and kind of ended the crying. I’m a lost cause.
The next morning was the service at Mom & Dad’s church. I had come early as I had spent a few hours putting together a slide show of all the pictures and needed to make sure that it would play on the church’s system. It did. I happened to be early enough to help get the casket into the church and helped rearrange the seating. As I can’t just set there when things have to be done I also helped arrange the microphones, set up the picture table and move all the flowers in. I’m sure I busied myself doing other things to. The man from the mortuary is someone that we have come to know quite well through all of our funerals the past few years. He’s a great guy and was very grateful for my help, but also said I needed to go help with my family.
The service was incredible. Dad had been able to choose who would be officiating and has spent a lot of time with my Dad on the Misison Trips to El Salvador and had visited at least once a day while dad was home. He did a great job. Bud is about 6 foot 7 inches and is quite a personality. The service started with the song ‘My Way’ – it pretty much made everyone cry. The service talked about what all he had done in his life and as it was said – 90 minutes was not adequate to talk about everything that he had done. Bud choked up a couple times but did very well. He even did a humorous – Top Ten Thing I Learned About Traveling With Dale Fox. It was great. Afterwards we formed a receiving line and were able to greet a lot of the people who stayed. There were family friends, church friends, old neighbors, current neighbors, work associates from twenty years ago and associates from the past two years, old employees, and current employees. It was wonderful. The funeral home guy even choked up – something that we all commented on as yet another first.
The procession left the church and went for a private burial at the cemetery. The weather was beautiful – high 60’s and clear. After the service my Mom had purposely said that she was uncomfortable with seeing the casket lowered. I stayed because I needed to make sure that my dad was in there before the buried him. For reasons that I had not thought of, they frown upon opening the casket on the cemetery grounds so that people do not think that they are ‘robbing’ from them. Made sense to me. I had not given that any thought. They did ask if anyone wanted to have something placed into the casket and Railee volunteered her necklace. The lady from the cemetery allowed me to place it in the casket and I was able to make sure. My mom’s Mom and Dad are buried at this same cemetery so they all went to take some flowers to their grave. I stayed with the cemetery lady and the funeral home guy and helped lower dad into the grave. I stayed with Dad and was amazed that they started working on burying him very quickly. They put a formed concrete ‘vault’ on top of the casket to help protect it from the weight of all the dirt. Then they put a formed concrete slab on top of that then fill it up with dirt again. I put the first shovel full of dirt in. It made me feel better. He was buried and the grass was replaced less than 45 minutes after we were done! That efficiency was a bit scary. I took some flowers to over where my Grandmother and Grandfather were buried and between the whole thing – cried like a wookie again.
The open house was over at my Mom’s – and it only took me a day to stop referring it to as ‘Mom & Dad’s’ – and that was nice as well. The ladies from the church had arranged food and drinks and they were amazing. We got to see a lot more people and for the most part was enjoyable. We started kicking everyone out at 4pm and the neighbors brought what my dad loved over at 4:20 pm – pitchers of margaritas! All the family was able to relax a little.
As you can see from my weight – I ate my grief this past week. I understand why but it makes me feel like I failed myself. I will fix that and get it back down to where I want it to be.
All in all – in all of my wordiness – I want to help explain what a roller coaster I have been on these past two weeks. Not that I’m making excuses but I just feel better putting it down. My dad was an amazing man – and he would be the first to tell you. He will be missed. The most amazing thing is that he was able to deal with the end of his life – HIS WAY. He accepted the end, and made is all about him. He was able to plan, visit, and do it all. I can only help that all of us are able to do it in this similar manner.
Again, and I cannot stress this enough – without all of your support I would not have made it through this past week. Thank you Thank You THANK YOU!
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